GETTING EVEN CLOSER…
I want to say it all started in the year 2022, the year my life started becoming mine. It feels that way, but it simply isn't true. A fire has been growing inside me for as long as I can remember. Since eight-year-old Ella learned to love drawing, and twelve-year-old Ella felt a faint gut feeling that her path wouldn't be the same as those around her. I watched everyone walk through their life like they were in a fishbowl, and I was the only one trapped outside, tapping on the glass, wanting to be let in. My perspective on the world isolated me, constantly thinking that everyone belonged but me. It grew into a desire to be slightly misaligned with everyone around me. As I've grown up, I've come to realize that this desire to be on the outside is what has finally granted me my freedom. This yearning which caused so much chaos and depression in my brain ended up being the one thing to save my life.
The societal norms had a stronghold on me and everyone else around me in the town where I grew up. The only way to be successful in life is to get good grades, go to a four-year university (or at least some sort of school at the bare minimum), graduate, the good ones go to grad school, the rest go through the motions and find a job. This is all standard. This is the way to a happy and safe life.
I tried so hard to follow the path.
I wanted to be good at school so badly. I felt intelligent but would constantly self-sabotage, setting myself up for failure, missing deadlines, and never finishing my work. The repetitive motion of waking up and living the same day over and over, going to the same seven classes once a day every day, eating lunch in the same spot, and walking the same hallways over and over again, overwhelmed me. I ended up avoiding school at any chance I could get. You could say I exhausted my sick days. It's embarrassing to admit, but the day I graduated high school is still one of the proudest days of my life.
It was in high school I finally expressed the horrific idea of "I don't want to go to college". All the adults in my town who heard this would immediately respond with, "well, what do your parents think of that"… Luckily, I had supportive parents who let me ponder the idea and decide for myself. With everyone I knew around me going to school after high school, it felt like my best option to do the same. I wanted so badly to do something different and start my art career off young, but I'll admit it, I was too scared.
Off to the four-year university, I went. I got to experience so much and learn even more from the amazing people at Loyola Marymount University. I stuck it out for three remarkable yet incredibly difficult years (I know, I know… I only had one year left…) however, I physically and mentally could not do it any longer. It broke me down in a way that I hadn't experienced before. Everyone was so supportive of me, my family, my friends, my classmates, and all of the LMU staff. The support was endless. So why couldn't I succeed? What is wrong with me? The desire that's always been in me to start a path of my own couldn't be shut down any longer. I was being pulled to do what I believe I was put on this planet to do.
In September 2021, I dropped out of school. Many tears and hard conversations took me through the most difficult time in my life. I've always had a history of depression; however, living in a situation isolated from everyone around me pushed me further into that depression to be at the darkest point I had ever been in. In the past, I had always managed to pull myself out. It was time to get the fuck up and do it again.
My horrible ending to 2021 set up 2022 to be the most transformative year of my life. The year my life became mine. Having to be the person who is there for me the most has pushed me to be independent and grow into my most authentic self. The freedom of not being in school was extremely daunting and exciting all at the same time. I did the one thing I feel confident in and started to draw every day.
In January 2022 I started apprenticing to be a tattoo artist. My passion for drawing and longing to connect with other humans has finally led me to the dream job I've been wanting since I was a little girl. I didn't know why I was so drawn to it, but I was, and now here I am doing it.
There is something so exciting about permanence. It requires a high level of trust, intimacy, and bravery for my client and myself. It gives me an adrenaline rush knowing I'm helping my client become even closer to who they want to be. One step further, helping them love the feeling of being in their own skin. It makes me emotional to realize I have finally found what makes my soul tick.
Starting a new craft has been nothing close to easy. After pushing myself to continue, even through all the ebbs and flows that come with being an artist, I finally feel confident in the art I'm creating. It has taken twenty-two years to achieve this feeling. A win under my belt. I needed this.
I can finally look back and thank my younger self for sticking it out. I often mistook the desire to be misaligned with everyone else as the desire to quit. Thank you, little twelve-year-old Ella Claire, for bringing me to where I am today. We do make it, I promise. I am so grateful you didn't quit.
Looking back on 2022 and realizing where I started and compared to where I am now, it has in fact been the most transformative year of my life. I can see my growth finally getting me even closer to where I want to be. I feel proud and accomplished, but more than anything, I feel excited to see just how close I can get.
There are so many different paths in life. It’s important to remember that success for you, may not be the same as success for someone else. Once you find what makes your soul tick, run with it.
We can always get even closer.
